So. You love the New Age. All of it. Yoga, mindfulness, crystals, essential oils, vegan/keto/fasting diets. Channeling Source. The Law of Attraction. The Power of Now. The Secret. You’ve woken up.
The “pandemic” has the potential to clear a LOT of negative energy out of your way, and release you from the limitations of 3D employment. You’re ready to live your best life, and help others do the same. It’s time to take this paradigm to the parasocial.
But Who are You, and What is Your Why? How should you think about your story, your brand, your Big Ask? What does your truth mean in the time of the “pandemic”? There’s so much trauma around you: how can you flip the script and manifest abundance? Here are ten tips to get you started and help you visualize your healing selfies onto infinite screens.
- At the centre of your New Age biography, claim that a peak experience transformed you into a different person. Someone better than who you were. It could have been through yoga, meditation, plant medicine, astrology. It doesn’t matter. The most important thing is that it was unsupervised, disconnected from stable community and tradition. It must sound heroic, unique, unprecedented, unmentored. There is no history in the New Age, except for Atlantis.
- Fully internalize the neoliberalism of the age, so that your awakening experience can now become the heart of your personal brand, the thing that sets you apart from those who haven’t woken up. This is far more important than any training programme — especially training that is adjudicated by other people. This is Your. Fucking. Truth. And you’re going to run with it, even off a cliff, if that’s where it leads. You’ll die for this truth. It is What You Are. There is no other source of knowledge or support. You can’t trust anyone but yourself. From here on in, it’s intuition or bust.
- Use hyper-individualistic media formats like blogging and social media to pad your autobiography of personal transcendence. Do whatever you can to make your awakening story distinct from but resonant with every other awakening story. Remember, however, that you do have to operate within a recognizable genre to be published by Hay House or Gaia TV. Otherwise your affiliate deals with other New Agers won’t fly. You have to stand out, but also network.
- *Do not under any circumstances go to therapy,* where you might explore whether your awakening was an epiphany or a trauma response you are now monetizing into defensive grandiosity. Therapy may also lead you to explore whether you have developed an unhealthy persecuting contempt for your former, unawakened self. If you want to move forward, let the dead bury the dead.
- As your charisma projects you into greater visibility and gains followers, you’ll begin to look down on others in the same way you look down on your former self. They are not awakened yet. This is a critical turning point. You have to get the next part just right. If you treat your followers with too much contempt, they won’t subscribe. But if you condescend just the right amount, they will want to buy absolution from you.
- Seek out allies and sex partners who will confirm your awakening and enable your grandiosity. There will be plenty of options from amongst your followers. Encourage your allies and sex partners to feel superior to your other followers. After all, they’re the ones who fully get your message. But watch them closely to make sure they stay on-message, on-brand. It’s not enough for them to serve your vision. They have to perform it.
- Remember that your story is about transcendence, overcoming, seeing the truth about yoga, crystals, or the Galactic Federation, or meditation. All of your content-channels must fill consumers with wisdom, but also serenity. You’ve got to look the part. Smile beneficently. As your content projects you further above your former self, your job is to not appear smug. Smile fully, graciously! (Of course you can’t wear a mask.) Pro-level consists of reframing your hatred for your former self as compassion. Here’s where you begin to conceal your patronizing attitude with love, light, great outfits, and video design. The trick is to draw people into a state of self-hatred that feels relaxing, and even beautiful. You’re creating an in-group of people who yearn to be like you.
- So you’ve monetized your personal awakening, and made it not only the centre of your brand, but also the position of authority from which you look down on everyone who isn’t quite where you are. This means that everything you anxiously consume can be sold to your followers as a bridge between them and you. Herbs, retreats, readings, gong baths: you can sell them all, as long as you conceal the secret belief that they need them because they are stupid. Be sure to hide the fact that every time you offer a meditation, you are saying: “you should do this, because your mind is dirty”. Or that every stick of incense you sell carries the secret message: “your aura smells.”
- The fullest glory of your epiphany can now shine through during moments of social crisis. When a “pandemic” hits, and you avoid getting sick because you can do your life-coaching sessions on Zoom, you can uplevel your condescension to a global scale. You have perfected your body and mind against fear. You dispel inequality and racism with your intrusive eye contact. This is the protection you offer. It could be everyone’s. Those who aren’t thriving could have taken your workshops, but they didn’t. Now they are stuck praying that you follow social distancing guidelines in order to not make them sick. They can also purchase the replays.
- The most taboo secret you must hold as a New Age Wellness Influencer is that you actually hope people get sick and die. It’s okay. Don’t be afraid. You can own this. It’s the eternal cycle. Sickness and death provides proof of unenlightened life all around you. Disasters prove the divine meritocracy, while showing you how big your potential market really is. If people don’t buy poor quality food, are your goji berries really that special? Will they taste as good? Remember: your anti-vax stance isn’t just about scientific disagreement. It’s also about convincing people that they can only really be whole and healthy if they confirm your life choices by following you. The more doubt you can cast on that vaccine, the more you can charge for your supplements. The more you can subtly mock the normies, the more you can upsell your exalted life. You are creating a rarefied group that many want to join, but to which no one can ultimately belong, except you, the last one standing.